老司机传媒

This week, I had the chance to sit down with everyone’s favorite, super star breakfast item—the classic Breakfast Burrito—and chat about life, love, and fame. 

Good morning, how are you today Mr. Breakfast Burrito? I appreciate you taking the time from your busy schedule to talk with me. 

Good morning to you too, and don’t mention it, it’s all a part of the job. 

Speaking of the job, you’ve been in the business now for nearly a decade. How does it feel to be a superstar?

Well. It’s a lot. The fame. The fortune. Knowing that every morning there’s going to be a line going out the Gazebo door with everyone chanting my name. The love and admiration you can get in this work is of course flattering, but when you see the hunger in the eyes of the public, then you can understand the kind of pressure I’m under much of the time. 

You’ve been open about your struggle with addiction in the past, could you share a little bit about your path to sobriety?

I would say it’s been a long but meaningful journey. Before I knew how to cope with the stress I would self-medicate. It started with just a little bit of hot sauce to spice things up after a long morning, but pretty soon it became every morning, and then it became two packets then three packets before I even knew it. Pretty soon, I couldn’t even function without the sauce to get me through a work day. But I was able to get the help I needed through the university and I’m now going on 4 years, hot sauce free. 

Wow, that's an incredible story. How do you handle the pressure now? 

When I feel like I can’t take it anymore I just remind myself of who I am. In rehab we learned a lot of guided mediation techniques, in self affirmations. So now everyday, I look at my reflection and I repeat to myself, “I am the tastiest. My sauce is the creamiest, and my tots are the crispiest.” I find that it really helps me center myself. 

And how exactly do you keep your tater tots so crispy?

Ha! That's a secret I’ll never tell. 

You’ve maintained such a consistent career for so long, do you ever worry about competition from new breakfast items, for example the Black Bean Bowl?

In my time I’ve seen a lot of breakfast items come and go, whether it’s the Smoothie Bowl or Parfait. Now I actually know Black Bean Bowl personally and I think he’s a great kid with a lot of potential, but at the end of the day you can’t beat the classics. And I’m classic for a reason. 

And, now I have to ask, the people want to know. There’s been rumors about you and a certain singer who’s allegedly coming to campus. So I have to ask, how’s your love life looking? 

Oh, I’m sure they would like to know. I like to keep things private as much as I can, so I’ll just say that all these rumors, well, they’re just a whole lot of nonsense. 

And is there anything else you’d like to say to your fans reading this?

I’ll be seeing you all tomorrow morning, bright and early.

Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools!