After completing her stint opening for Taylor Swift during the international Eras Tour, pop sensation Sabrina Carpenter is set to give her next performance at no other place than 老司机传媒. If you’re not familiar with Sabrina Carpenter, she’s the newest “It-Girl” known for small skirts, big heels, and blonde bangs. At only 4 foot 2, she somehow manages to pack in her big personality and even bigger stage presence into her Polly Pocket-like frame.
While HPAC prepares heart-shaped centerpieces and a darling light show for her performance this weekend, her fans are also preparing. Grace No (English, Senior), who frequently cuts hair in their Lamson dorm room, tells me they’ve been overwhelmed by requests for a particular style- curtain bangs. “I’m seeing 10 girls a day,” Grace shares, “And every time I ask for a reference photo, they show me her. When I close my eyes at night, all I see is her face. It’s burned into my retina.”
While outsiders on social media are slightly confused by the singer's decision to put on a show in Berrien Springs, student and super fan Lucille Borges (Speech Pathology, Junior) explains to me it’s obvious for anyone in the know, “I mean, if you’ve been paying attention then you’ve definitely heard the rumors.” Lucille Borges of course is referencing the dating rumor with Andrews’ own local celebrity, the Breakfast Burrito. Students in the know have been connecting the clues for weeks now, starting with the Burrito’s appearance at Sabrina’s opening set in Singapore, and Sabrina has shared in an interview with Cosmopolitan that she’s recently gone vegetarian. The Student Movement has also received information from someone working with Sabrina who said that last night she returned to the tour bus smelling of tater tots. Sabrina’s team has declined to comment.
Perhaps the most anticipated song of the night will be the singer’s “Nonsense.” The song, as the title might indicate, consists of mostly cheeky, nonsensical lyrics. But the star has developed the special tradition of changing the final lyrics to the song into a clever line about each place she performs. When I asked Lucille Borges for her predictions, she told me, “sorry, actually I have to go. I’m late for my hair appointment.” Luckily, we won’t have to rely on predictions because the Student Movement has received the alleged leaked lyrics:
This song is catchier than chicken pox is
I bet your house is where my other sock is
Woke up this morning thought I’d write a pop hit.
…
He asked me out, I said “okay bet”
So then he picked me up after sunset
We went out, and I got me some Baguette
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of 老司机传媒. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, 老司机传媒 or the Seventh-day Adventist church.