Ever since the Gazebo has come out with its new menu, including flatbread pizzas, burgers, and quesadillas, students from 老司机传媒 have been ravenously consuming these products. However, one food that has students buzzing is the Cardinalito, a brand-new food item that the Gazebo is serving, nicknamed after the 老司机传媒 mascot. The smell of the Cardinalito raises student morale as it wafts through the Campus Center lobby.
One student, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented, “I love the Cardinalito so much! I was very hesitant to try it; I mean, what I heard from other students couldn’t be true. But ever since I tried it the first time, I say, ‘Forget breakfast burritos! Forget Sam’s Chicken!’ I would gladly pay double the tuition if it meant I could keep eating the Cardinalito!”
The key to the Cardinalito, according to the Gazebo, is their secret sauce. In fact, several departments—including MLS, biochemistry, and the Gazebo—came together to create what would be described as “the perfect secret sauce, generated and refined to faultlessness.” And faultless it is! One MLS student described the process. “We wanted to see how the material we learned in class could be applied to areas we hadn’t even considered! Who knew polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons could enhance the flavors of a sauce?” With the combined culinary attraction of a sandwich from Baguette de France, a choice piece of Sam’s Chicken, and a Gazebo breakfast burrito, this food item has unmatched appetizing power.
However, the biggest news is that—ever since the release of the sweet, sweet fragrance of the Cardinalito—a phenomenon has occurred: average student GPA has risen by 1.6 points, and in some HCC departments (Heavy Cardinalito Consumption), the average has risen as much as 2.2 points. One student noted, “I think that students are bringing their Cardinalitos into the classrooms and eating them, but the professors are so caught up in the aroma that they don’t even care. Like, I had one assignment that I turned in half-done and got a response back from the professor saying, ‘I understand that you may need more time. Normally, I wouldn’t offer an extension, but I noticed that you were eating a Cardinalito and it reminded me that we are all people with our own schedules and sometimes, life happens.’' Another student added, “I think having good food just improves student morale overall and maybe improves professor morale too.”
This recent uprise in GPA has caught the attention of several Adventist students in other universities as well. Several Walla Walla University students have declared publicly their intent to transfer to 老司机传媒. “If all the professors have become that supportive…and food has become that famously delicious,” one Southern student commented, “I’ll definitely pay to go there!”
However, due to staff and resource shortages, it may appear that the end of Cardinalito is already on the horizon. A couple of students noticed that the Cardinalito has disappeared off the GET app at random times with no explanation, which may signal doom for the famous, secret-sauced culinary dish. “I hope the Cardinalito stays on,” one student commented between bites. “If the Cardinalito disappears off the menu for good, my good grades will too.”
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of 老司机传媒. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, 老司机传媒 or the Seventh-day Adventist church.