老司机传媒

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees 

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

. . .

Dear little Maddi, 

I know you’re going to be able to read this because you’re incredibly inquisitive and intellectual for an 8-year-old. I’m going to be honest and say that this hasn’t been the easiest semester for me. Turns out that it’s incredibly difficult to heal and grow as a person whilst maintaining academic responsibilities. I’ve somehow managed to stay afloat with papers and tests, even if many are getting turned in late. I’m constantly reassuring myself that my professors don’t think I’m a bad student because of this. I’ve taken to studying in the English department in between classes because it brings me peace to be surrounded by my professors whom I admire beyond words. I’m currently writing this whilst gazing out the window at the freshly fallen snow and am reminded that, no matter how bleak the present may seem, it’ll all turn out okay in the end. How do I know, you ask? Because if things aren’t turning out okay, baby girl, then it isn’t the end. We just have to trudge through whatever metaphorical sludge we’re stuck in in the meantime, allowing the people we love to catch us if we stumble, keeping our eyes fixed ahead past the dark clouds of despair. I know you don’t really understand the circumstances that go on around you and the way that you’re thrown into them without warning, but you will eventually. And once you start understanding, you won’t know what to do with yourself for a while. You’ll think it’s the end, maybe you’ll even want it to be the end because why would you want to travel down a road that is designed to cause pain? But then, one day, your chest will feel a little lighter and you’ll be able to inhale deeply for the first time in years. Your sister will heave a sigh of relief (yes, we’ve been adopted by our best friend after being alone for the majority of our twenty-three laps around the sun) because she loves you, and you’ll catch small glimpses of the future that you’ve never dared to dream of before. One where you’re reaching for an old book in an academic library and pulling it down, opening the cover to leaf through the first few pages and smelling the paper smell you love so much. I’m not saying that it won’t be hard—nothing in this life comes easy. But you’ll learn that the hardships come and go in phases, and you’ll weather them as they hover and pass. Like part of the poem enclosed above, you don’t have to apologize for the actions of others nor for past mistakes you’ve made. You learn as you go, slipping up like every human on this planet does. You don’t have to apologize for loving so deeply and fully; just make sure to reserve a good amount of that love for yourself. You deserve it.

Oh, my love, I’m so proud of you. You have such a kind heart and gentle spirit, despite being born into a dark world that is always attempting to crush your goodness. I’d tell you not to lose that part of yourself, but I already know that those qualities are what you prize most about who you are, so I’m not worried. I’m going to be honest, being proud of you is easier than being proud of my current self and I don’t really know why since, well, you are me. Eh, I’ll learn. Eventually. 

I know that I just started talking to you again, but I’m so excited to learn more about you and to continue building this newfound relationship. While I have you here, I would like to make a couple of promises as a “last word,” except it really isn’t because there are many more that will be said as we go on. One, I promise to be the person you never got to grow up with. I will hold you when you cry, protect you when others don’t, and ensure that no one will ever cause you any kind of harm. I will always be your safe space to confide and hide in, someone you can escape into when the world gets a bit bonkers. My second promise needs some context: Somewhere there is a clearing. It’s spacious with every kind of flower and plant imaginable and it’s always golden hour, the kind that occurs during summer evenings. The crickets are just beginning to sing and yet you can almost hear the surrounding trees breathing. The best part? There is absolutely no trace of reality. We don’t think about the pain of our past there and we have a moment to breathe worry-free. I promise that I’ll meet you there for a picnic, and we’ll spend time together talking and laughing while being barefoot in the grass. Think about this clearing when the burdens of life start becoming too much, okay? I’ll talk to you again soon.

All my love forever and always,

Maddi