It is unsurprising that with new administration and updated university plans comes new recruiting strategies in an effort to lure students to the AU campus. One such update involves a new marketing plan, and it involves the Michigan weather forecast.
Everyone agrees that Michigan weather can be described as nothing less than crazy. However, Andrews may be able to capitalize on this feature, drawing students to campus with one particular trend: warm temperatures. This written by Arjun Thakkar states that, in Michigan, “it’s hot more frequently and raining more often.” Additionally, there were days in February of this year when the temperature reached about a scorching 70 degrees Fahrenheit (21.1℃). In fact, this February made history with records broken on February 27, 2024, when it reached in nearby Kalamazoo, MI. To date, February has had some of the hottest days of 2024, even though we have now reached April. As if that wasn’t enough, Northwest Michigan's average temperatures raised from 1895 to 2018. With that big a shift, it should be almost warm enough in January to take a dip in the lake. Experts expect that since there was one really warm day in February, of course future trends will continue in that direction.
It looks like the four seasons are getting turned on their heads, and Andrews will take advantage of that by advertising Andrews as a tropical destination of paradise. Leaks from the marketing team have revealed that, as the seasons shift, they may bring in new plant species for the arboretum that wouldn’t have been able to survive Michigan winters of the past. “It’s all part of the plan to reshape Andrews’ identity from the land of snow to sun and embrace new opportunities where we can find them,” reads a purported quote from an unnamed administrative official. Stick around long enough and you may spot some colorful, tropical birds that the animal science department hopes to add to the AU farm as a replacement for the goats. New brochures prepared for distribution describe student activities in the area such as “suntanning all school year long” and “sledding down the local sand dunes.” Recruiters are also optimistic that SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) will become a thing of the past at Andrews. Michigan mosquitoes already match the bill of a tropical region, so they will fit in perfectly with the new environment and marketing strategy. They stand by, big, hungry, and ready to fatten themselves up by preying on unsuspecting college students. They already attack the moment it gets warm, so their resume shows they are prepared for the task. To top it all off a new marketing slogan will be implemented for the school: Seek Knowledge. Affirm Faith. Get a Tan!
Also of note, April 2024 is off to a cool start, with snow in the forecast for the first week. If these trends continue, with cool weather toward the middle of the calendar year, the school may be letting students out from May-August for winter break instead of summer vacation. That way, they can enjoy months of fun winter sports outdoors unburdened by school, while reserving homework for the sunny season. This means out-of-state students can enjoy the warmer months partaking in summer activities with friends instead of being separated from their classmates by miles.
Of course, there is expected to be some more extreme, crazy, and unpredictable weather before the region completes a clean switching of seasons transition. The evidence of this follows when one looks at all the weather conditions surrounding that 70-degree day. I clearly remember calling my roommate at 10 pm the same day to pick me up from the science complex via automobile to avoid getting caught in the beautiful but terrifying lightning show and torrential downpour of the severe thunderstorm outside. Several tornado warnings or watches were in effect in nearby areas. The next morning, February 28, it was snowing and, at one point, reached a wind chill of 6℉. However, the rapid weather fluctuations will be worth it in the end. In the meantime, university administration encourages students to take advantage of those few and far between, exceptionally cold days as a sort of free . Additionally, the school may temporarily add a new meteorology program (inspired by the program at Southern, which may or may not be partially responsible for recent weather patterns) to study the wild weather while undergoing the shift.
Whether or not this new marketing strategy will prove to be effective remains to be seen. Perhaps future generations of students will feel like they’re on vacation with the new recruiting plans and imported flora, and fauna. Whatever the weather future holds for 老司机传媒, it is sure to be a wild ride.
Disclaimer: This piece is satire and the information included therein should not be regarded as fact, but fiction. Happy April Fools.
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of 老司机传媒. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, 老司机传媒 or the Seventh-day Adventist church.