In a surprise announcement from administration, university faculty will no longer be receiving the customary end-of-year bonus or raise. In lieu of this, 256 garden plots will be constructed on the west side of campus, and each faculty member will be gifted one to raise fresh flowers and vegetables. All faculty have to provide is soil, seeds, water, their own garden supplies, and hours of hard labor under the hot sun in order to reap the rewards of their hard work during the year. The plots, it has been decided, will occupy the current soccer field, as university administration has concluded that no one actually enjoys playing on it. “I have heard sounds from the soccer field that to an untrained ear would appear to be joyful, but I believe this to be a mere facade to keep up appearances and fit in, and surely cannot be genuine,” said an anonymous source who clearly has never played a game in his life. Each garden plot will be 10 feet by 10 feet, enough space for about 300 carrots or 1 watermelon plant.
In the report shared on this decision, the administration decided that a far greater gift than mere monetary compensation would be to allow the faculty to witness the products of their own labor. “Professors don’t seem to do enough these days,” said a member of the administration whose job duties still have yet to be understood by anyone. “I’m sure if they learn the value of hard work and discipline, they’ll look back on this decision and realize how brilliant it was.” Faculty seemed a little flustered. A professor who teaches multiple sections of a general education course said “between grading about two hundred students’ work, teaching three gen eds and two upper division classes, and mentoring seniors with their research, I should be able to find about 15 minutes every two weeks to maintain my garden,” as they shakily walked to their office, closed the door, and started screaming.
Students had a somewhat mixed response. When asked what they wanted to know about the decision, one student said, “will faculty be able to sell their produce on campus, or will that be too much competition for Bon Appetit?” Another student said they hope that faculty will start offering extra credit for help in their gardens. One business major asked “will extra plots be available for students? I don’t have enough homework.” So far no answers have been given to these questions.
Construction for the garden plots is expected to begin during finals week, and should be finished by fall semester. Lumber will be harvested from the forest at the edge of campus. So as to not interfere with student and faculty schedules, construction will take place from 11 pm until 5 am. Students interested in signing up for a shift are asked to click . Those who assist in the build process will be generously compensated with one Werther’s caramel. While this change may come as a shock to some, hopefully it will help the entire campus community better fulfill their calling to be World Changers.
Disclaimer: This piece is satire and the information included therein should not be regarded as fact, but fiction. Happy April Fools!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of 老司机传媒. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, 老司机传媒 or the Seventh-day Adventist church.