Effective immediately, all undergraduate residents who live on campus in Lamson or Meier will have to be present for room check by sunset.
The deans of the undergraduate residence halls decided that new accountability policies had to be implemented due to an increasingly high number of missings, lates, and forgotten OVs. Dean Nakamura, assistant dean for community standards at Andrews, allegedly explained, “Too many times have students racked up lates beyond the six allotted per semester, and too many times have students been missing. Even worse, students in the residence halls overall keep forgetting to fill out OVs whenever they stay off campus.”
As to why they chose sunset as the new curfew time, they agreed that it seemed fit for an Adventist campus.
Not only do the deans hope that this new policy will improve accountability records, they also believe it will be beneficial for students’ circadian rhythms. “As humans, we should be in bed once the sun is down and up when the sun rises. It is in everyone’s best interest, both mentally and physically, to comply with this new policy,” stated the deans.
Residence life staff will start room check promptly at 7:45 PM in the spring semester, and at 5:30 PM in the winter semester. All students who are unaccounted for will be required to attend accountability seminars every week on Mondays from 3 – 5 PM.
If you thought this new policy was singling out students alone, not to fret. The new policy also mandates that any RA or front desk worker who fails to properly check in a resident will be fired immediately.
You might be wondering: what if I have late classes or labs? What about dinner? In coordination with university administration, all professors will finish lectures and lab periods by 4 PM to give students enough time to settle back into their rooms. Additionally, two more vending machines will be installed in both Meier and Lamson to help accommodate students’ food needs.
Despite the expected backlash, administration looks forward to students’ compliance with the new policy.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of 老司机传媒. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, 老司机传媒 or the Seventh-day Adventist church.