老司机传媒

This piece is an exploration of what your 2024 Spring Break could have looked like.

Huzzah! Huzzah!! Huzzah!!! It is the first day of Spring Break!!!!

If you’ve planned nothing, you’re in luck! Here is what you can do, in a list covering every day of the break.

FRIDAY, MARCH FIFTEEN

1. Peruse for cheap stays!
2. (There are none. Go home instead.)
3. You will arrive home late, only one light in the house will be on, your cat will be sleeping in the corner with a cone over her head (a cone? is she sick?), the rug is different, you will sit on your bed and check again (the only appealing stay will be the on the same old , and who even wants to go to a windmill on ! (you would but are $1,500)) and then you will go to sleep.

SATURDAY, MARCH SIXTEEN

1. Check your computer. 
2. There are two emails. One from Kayak and one from Airbnb, both with the subject line BOOKING CONFIRMATION. Sent at 3:45 am, and 3:52 am, respectively.
3. Vaguely recollect how you booked the and the . But it felt like a dream???
4. (It was not a dream.)
5. Check your bank account. Miraculously, you’re still financially liquid! 
6. (There are seven dollars and fifteen cents.)
7. Pack up and head to the airport!
8. On your first, longest flight, the flight attendant will pat your head and say, “that’s right hun,” even though you didn’t say anything; the toddler in the seat next to you will draw on your arm. You will not tell him to stop, instead; you’ll watch an episode of on the backseat screen because the toddler will be looking at your screen. It turns out to be a German children’s cartoon about . You will enjoy the show. You’d watch more, but can only provide one episode.

SUNDAY, MARCH SEVENTEEN

1. It is Sunday when you land.
2. The marker does not come off your arm. Feel sad to see the toddler walk away. It isn’t every day you can bond with someone over .
3. The four flights were long.
4. The windmill is smaller than it looked. The views are nice, though.
5. Fall asleep on the couch. You’re too tired to make it up the stairs.

MONDAY, MARCH EIGHTEEN

1. The house is small and the island is small. 
2. from the small bookshelf.
3. That is all you will do.

TUESDAY, MARCH NINETEEN

1. Decide to get out! Go see the world! Yeah!
2. Unfortunately, you are on . It is very small and there is nothing to do. 
3. There is still marker residue on your arm.
4. Because there is nothing to do, go down to the beach with your book and sulk. 
5. The sunset is a spectacular highlighter orange, which you would notice if you weren’t busy sulking.
6. There’s sand in your bed, because you were at the beach and didn’t have time to shower. Augh! Complain about it to nobody before you go to sleep.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH TWENTY

1. When you’re , meet a fellow American tourist named Dave.
2. He looks like .
3. He says there’s a big town a mile away.
4. Oh, you say. Oh, I didn’t know that. If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have been here, sulking on the beach.
5. Stand up and go to , a Japanese restaurant.
6. Think about how much better the trip would’ve been if you’d known about before today, your second-to-last day on the .

THURSDAY, MARCH TWENTY-ONE

1. Spend the entire day at . 
2. Get to know a waiter named Kyle. He’s also American, and can speak Portuguese and Spanish! 
3. Ask him to teach you how to say “Hello, my name is Taylor Higgins, and what I like most about being on this is that I can sit inside and eat Japanese food with my new friend Kyle all day,” in Portuguese.
4. Pack your things up, because at last, you’re heading home. 

FRIDAY, MARCH TWENTY-TWO

1. There is no toddler to draw on your arm this time, but there is a man who kicks your seat. 

SATURDAY, MARCH TWENTY-THREE

1. You’re home! 
2. Your cat has passed away in the week you were gone. She’d gotten , apparently, and had been acting weird, so they took her into the vet and the vet put a cone on her head and told them to come back the next day, so they could put her down.
3. Cry.
4. Look at the pictures of your time on the . Reflect fondly on how happy you were there, reflect on everything you got to see. Reflect on how your cat would have loved the windmill. Reflect on Kyle, and how he would have loved your cat. Reflect, reflect, reflect.

SUNDAY, MARCH TWENTY-FOUR

1. Return to the university.
2. Whenever anyone asks, tell them that yeah, you went to an , and no, it wasn’t very interesting, except you did meet a guy named Kyle who was nice but wouldn’t teach you real Portuguese, in fact, the word he told you is a cuss word, you looked it up.

You will spend the rest of your semester binge-watching on Youtube and thinking bad thoughts about your time sulking on the beach and talking to Kyle on the .