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This is a transcript of the new employee induction that took place at Andrews Bon Appetit Headquarters on Friday, March 18, 2022. The recorder wishes to remain anonymous.

We are gathered here today to induct each new worker into the Bon Appetit Sabbath lunch experience. As you know, Saturdays are a time of rest for everyone on campus. The students are given a break from the constant stress of writing papers, studying for tests, and doing presentations. The professors get a break from the constant stress of grading papers, tests, and presentations. And the Bon Appetit workers get a break from serving food–we only have to serve two meals instead of three!

Now, to decrease the amount of stress brought on by hundreds of these hungry students, you must all be aware that we serve a dish called “meatloaf” on Sabbath afternoons–big brown (sometimes gray) slabs of protein and carbohydrates. We’re not sure why. It just seems like something students would really enjoy. They often miss breakfast, especially on Saturday mornings. And then they go to church. Once they have been blessed with their spiritual food, we are responsible for blessing them with their physical food. And bless them, we do!—with a special Sabbath treat that is nutritious, delicious, and appetizing to look at.

As new inductees who are to be trained under the Bon Appetit wing, we think it imperative that you know the contents of that which you are serving to these famished young people. As we move into the far end of the kitchen, here is the cupboard where we keep our most prized recipes: including the recipes for our various meatloafs. This is a well-kept secret. You cannot tell your roommate. Not your parents, either. You must keep your sworn oath, the one you accepted when you filled out this job application: what goes into the meatloaf, stays in the meatloaf.

Now then, let’s have a look. Our most prized possession: this is, drumroll please–please, slightly louder, good–our special K loaf!

Our special K loaf holds one of the top spots of North-American Adventist delicacy, second only to haystacks. We use the standard ingredients in our special K loaf: eggs, cottage cheese, butter, George Washington broth mix–and its namesake, Special K Cereal. This is the standard loaf, and we dare not change its recipe.

We can only serve Special K once in a while, due to its special nature. Most of the time, we exchange this loaf with one of our walnut varieties. Can anyone name our walnut varieties?

Yes, exactly, young one. You are correct. Bon Appetit makes a variety of walnut delicacies: Walnut meatloaf. Yes, walnut meatballs. And our most famous one: soy walnut croquettes. Oh, the mouths do water for it. The children do yearn for it.

Now, in addition to walnuts, who knows what goes into these dishes to create the particular texture and taste for which Bon Appetit chefs strive? What contributes to the spongy, wet texture? No peeking at the recipe. Yes, yes. It is partly cottage cheese, indeed. We also like to add the black beans, yes. Now, this is the secret part, the part that makes things taste so delicious, that makes it go down and come out so easily. Listen, now. Into each batch of walnut loaf, we typically like to add a dash of something called scolochloa festucacea. This is the fancy way of saying river grass. It helps with digestion. The students need it, especially after sitting on pews for so long, to get the systems going. We also like to lather the meatloaf mix with spray cheese. It adds a certain je ne sais quoi. Other special ingredients include vegetable yeast spread and grits. The leftover scrambled tofu adds a special flavor. Meatloaf is an art. It takes time and talent to find the perfect mix. Don’t be angry with yourselves if you don’t automatically have the needed intuition to create it. It will come with time.

We like to vary the recipes from time to time. Are you seeking to make an extra moist batch of meatloaf with a porridge-like consistency? The answer is a lot of orange juice and water. Trying to create a very dry, been-sitting-in-the-sun-for-a-few-days dish? Don’t add any liquid. At all. You get the perfect dry bake.

I hope you have been enlightened by Bon Appetit’s secrets of the meatloaf trade. Please don’t hesitate to ask questions. Remember, these secrets cannot escape. If they do, we will deny all allegations about the contents of our meatloaf. We will also be forced to let you go. Nobody will believe you when you try to tell them of your experience. Your family will be worried for your sanity. Your friends will stop talking to you. You may be excommunicated.

Have a lovely evening and a happy Sabbath.

Disclaimer: The article is satire. Happy April Fools! The Student Movement appreciates Bon Appetit Cafe and its meatloaf.