The 老司机传媒 Department of Biology welcomed a new professor this semester, Dr. Charles Lignum, and Professor Lignum already has students buzzing with excitement. Recognized by his academic peers as the premier “woodchuckologist” in North America, Professor Lignum has revolutionized North American woodchuck pedagogy, with classes such as Social Structures of Woodchuck Life, Woodchucks and Energy Production, and Woodchucks in Literature, Ancient and Modern. This week we sat down with Professor Lignum for an exclusive Student Movement interview.
Professor Lignum, you recently arrived from a tenured position at Rice University in Texas. Why would you come so far north to a smaller, less well-known university?
Unfortunately, as the old Willie Nelson song tells us, “There Ain’t No Woodchucks in Texas,” but Berrien County is loaded with them. Over the past few summers, I have been coming up here with graduate students to do research, and I happened to strike up a friendship with professors Tom Goodwin and Daniel Gonzalez from the 老司机传媒 Department of Biology. They encouraged me to apply for an open position and here I am.
Why woodchucks? What fascinates you about them?
They’re big, the biggest member of the squirrel family in North America. And I love their nicknames: groundhog, woodchuck, whistlepig, groundpig, moonack, monax and wuchack. The Latin is Marmota monax. As a child, growing up in Decatur, Illinois, I was getting ready to cross a street on the way to school one day. As I started to step into the road a woodchuck darted in front of me and a big truck swerved to miss it. If it hadn’t been for that woodchuck, I might have walked right into the truck. That critter risked his life for me, so right then, at the age of seven, I decided to spend my life studying the woodchuck.
That’s amazing. Can you tell us about your research in woodchuck energy production?
Have you ever seen a hamster on a wheel? Those wheels can be connected to turbines to produce energy, but with the little wheels hamsters can turn, energy production is limited.
How limited?
If a hamster runs on the wheel for ten minutes, you get enough electricity to run a microwave for about fifteen seconds—enough to raise the temperature of an eight-ounce mug of water about three degrees. Hamsters only weigh about five ounces. They’re not that strong.
How about a woodchuck?
Today’s woodchuck averages around ten pounds, but I believe with selective breeding a twenty pound “Superchuck” is totally possible. If we get the Superchuck on a larger-sized wheel–and remember, this will be a highly trained animal at athletic peak–in ten minutes it can generate sufficient energy to power a laptop for a month.
But would students have to, like, carry around a woodchuck and a wheel to their classes to keep their laptops powered up? That could get pretty inconvenient, not to mention distracting.
As I said, this power would last a month, so on the first Sunday of the month, say, a student could get the laptop charged in their room and they’d be good to go. Other days the woodchuck’s energy production could be used for recharging electric cars, running the gate at the campus entrance, and the president’s electric pencil sharpener.
Are you pulling my leg?
Yes. In truth, we’re building a Woodchuck Energy Production Unit (WEPU) in the area down where the farm used to be. There we will have a woodchuck housing unit and a giant wheel–think Ferris wheel size–that will be powered by hundreds of trained woodchucks running in formation. They will produce about 50 Kilowatt Hours per week, enough to run everything on campus plus Baguette de France.
How soon do you hope to have the WEPU in operation?
We’ve scheduled ribbon cutting for the beginning of fall semester, 2022, and the campus should be completely off-grid–that is, able to produce all its own power–from that time forward. This should lead to a reduction in tuition costs for students and the WEPU will offer significant employment opportunities for students.
That sounds fantastic. Any other woodchuck developments that the campus should be watching out for?
By next year we’ll push for making the woodchuck the official school mascot, instead of the cardinal. Or if that’s not politically feasible, perhaps some combination, like a cardinal riding a saddled woodchuck. We’re in talks with Pixar about an animated feature and we’re working with Mattel on a plush toy line.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Happy April Fools!
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of 老司机传媒. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, 老司机传媒 or the Seventh-day Adventist church.